“Ok tell me, what is bothering you?” Holding her hand, Aarav brought her closer. Anushka was trying to escape from the situation like every time. She pushed him and went to the washroom.
“I am just fine. You don’t worry. I just need some time alone.” She cried silently after her words.
She came out after half an hour with red eyes and nose. But unfortunately, he didn’t notice anything.
“I am in a mood. Hope you are not tired today?”
“I am sorry Aarav, my body is paining a lot. And I need to wake up tomorrow early and visit temple.”
He said nothing and let her sleep.
“Breakfast is ready, what do you want for lunch?” She asked him on the breakfast table.
“Nothing… I have a meeting in Pune. I will come home tomorrow.”
She was alone (as she wanted). Walls of her room were laughing, crying, and doing everything like her thoughts.
This alone time worked as a time machine for her each time. She has Aarav in her life, who understands her and accepts her as she is. Aarav knows that whenever she spend her time alone, she misses some moments, but unfortunately, in those moments, there is no role of Aarav. They are about her and Arush and their life. It was easy for him as he couldn’t allow Arush to be there in her life. And for her, talking to those memories were enough to feel that she was alive for a while.
Life is never simple. It is very complicated when you think too much, feel too much, wait too much…
On that day, she did nothing else but fall asleep while crying like she waited to have such sleep since so many years.
“You can’t be here. You just can’t be here. We are not talking anymore. What are you doing here then?” Anushka was shocked to see someone.
“You called me up and now you are telling me I cannot be here. What is going Anushka tell me? Why can’t you make up your mind? At one side, you want to talk to me, at other you don’t. What is happening to you?” The guy said.
“Yeah, actually you are right. I cannot make up my mind. I am such a fool, such an idiot who told you so many times that she wants you and you are asking me what is happening? I know you have moved on but I am still dealing with the things Arush. And it will take time…or maybe life.”
“It was your decision to go. And now it doesn’t matter. I have moved on. No matter what you do, you cannot ignite my lost feelings for you. You surely deserve so much love and that is why life has given you Aarav. Don’t lose him.” Arush answered her straightforwardly.
“Wow, of course. It was my decision. And I have to stick to it, so what if I always wanted to be with you. Hardly matters. You never thought about the reasons behind my deeds. I hate that. You loved me so much that you let me go. I hate that too. I can’t act like a friend to you. I am sorry. It’s an irony of my life that I can’t leave you and I can’t be with you. And trust me, it’s a harder thing!
“I really don’t love you now, but I care. Care not always means love. I care for you and will be doing it forever; like the friends do. You don’t have to stop loving me. Just don’t expect the love in return. This pain will cure automatically. ”
“I don’t expect love! I just expect from you to scold me when I am wrong, fight with me, like you used to. I want you to lose your temper and say everything on your mind. I want you to feel light. Believe me, I just want you to tell everything that you have kept inside. Get detoxify! You always did when we had worse fights, what has happened now? And don’t use “forever” please. This word is not made for you.”
“Okay, don’t expect that too! Don’t poke me, it is useless. You cannot make me angry this time, Anushka. We are not living any relation. I am no more in your life. I am not here to fight this time. But tell me why are you punishing Aarav? What has he done? He loves you more than anyone.”
“Nothing, it’s my matter now. You don’t have any right to ask about it. Why should I tell you, tell me? Who are we? Who are you, sir? Who the hell I am?” She turned back to hide tears from him.
“Relax now. It’s fine, cry if you want to but make sure you don’t hurt him. I know you both are good friends. A relationship becomes stronger when people are friends at first. There will be trust, there will be understanding. Talk to him. Share with him.” Arush put his hand on her shoulder.
“What should I share? How can I tell him that everything is getting worse day by day? We are together, but we are not. If I am having 10 memories with him, I have 100 of ours. And each time, I cherish ours more. This body is empty, and now everyone is just dropping a note into this empty body to tell its job. I wish if one could have also said what you feel. I could have told them that I don’t feel anything now. It is just lust, not love. Because in love, people feel right. It feels like this body is just living without its soul. I am having really harder time while living this life without you. It’s not right, this life is just not right!”
“I can’t say everything like this to him. Let’s just stop this discussion. Somethings are there I cannot share with him. This space will never fill. Sometimes even after having good friends in life, people don’t feel like sharing the things from which they are going through. It is weird, I know. He doesn’t even recognize when I cry.”
“Maybe because he never ever made you cry. Maybe you have not cried in front of him” He tried to convince her for him.
“For you, only.” She responded.
“I know I am over thinking. I should not think now. Maybe that’s why you are here. But I want to tell you something- I know the dream remains, and I don’t have any hope to get it complete.”
“Why should I if there is nothing left in it. This story was never about us. If it was really about us, it would have had us. If it was really about us, we would have live it.”
“But I don’t hate you for anything. I just hate your absence. A lot more than anything! It’s still pain Arush. I can definitely try and hide my feelings from people, but deep inside, it hurts. A lot.”
Anushka cried loudly while Arush consoled her and hugged her.
“Why you were not like this before? I was longing for this moment and you…”
“I am just a dream Anushka, which remains. Now wake up, wash your face. Stop crying, you know I don’t like this red nose of yours. It made me remind of cats, and you know how much I hate them.”
“I have not left Anushka. I have not gone anywhere. Stop crying please.”
“tum gaye bhi nahi, sath ho bhi nahi, yeh kaisa rishta hai? Jo bas chalta rehta hai?” She murmured while crying.
“Tell me, where shall I go? To the left, where nothing is right, or to the right, where’s nothing left.”
“Give some time, some more time.” Arush nodded.
“Aah! leave it. You won’t get it. I am making cake; let’s have it before you leave.” She stepped back and wiped her tears.
“I am in a hurry, my friends are waiting outside. But thank you so much for remembering. Take care”
“Of course, Arush. Thanks for coming and forgetting my dairy milk treat once again.”
“Are you sure you really don’t love me? This heart still doesn’t agree.”
He put his hand on her cheeks, smiled and went.
Like every time, she waited for him to speak, but he didn’t.
She opened her eyes and nobody was there, except her. She dressed up, went to the kitchen and made the cake as she used to make on his birthday.
“Nothing gonna change my love for you. It will remain there. Nothing from my side will trouble you. I promise. I just pray you get the best one who will love you more than me.” She prayed.